For the last couple of weeks I've been impossible. I've had trouble being around anyone, and everything has made me unhappy or unsatisfied.
When I'm somewhere, I want desperately to escape. When I'm alone, I'm lonely and introspective.
I went to an event alone the other night after work, an event full of people schmoozing, with some lectures and musical entertainment scheduled. I stood around for 40 minutes, drank a beer, and then went home. I had absolutely nothing to do to keep myself entertained. There was nowhere to sit, no one to talk to or even make eye contact with, and nothing to look at after I finished endlessly surveying the audience from the stairs. The bartender served 5 other people and ignored me while I stood at the bar. I saw people secretly smoking and I wanted to rat them out to the bouncer. I overheard a boy telling his girl he'd never cheated in his life and I believed him. I saw seemingly underage girls in ugg boots and backpacks pooling their money to buy a drink. I felt tired and angry.
Why did I buy a ticket to this stupid thing? If this was my idea of the kind of cultural event I would enjoy, why was I miserable? Why was what I thought I'd enjoy so boring and unpleasant? What do I really want to do with my time?
Which leads me to the problem. Everything seems to be unpleasant these days.
There's too much stuff on the desk in the living room and my blood starts to boil. Someone asks me for help at work and I instantly go from zero to fifty on the aggro scale. Someone makes a comment about my home or appearance and I want to keep them from ever seeing, or hearing anything to do with me again. I work really hard to be alone so that I avoid having these intense feelings, but they're still here even when everyone else is gone. I get into fights when I'm trying to express my opinion. I'm afraid I might crack, and I've gone from one of the most helpful people around to someone who shuns social contact. All I do is complain. And now I have to do write a paper.
Something has to change. Fucked if I know what.
Thursday, May 28, 2009
On Being Hateful
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1 comment:
Liz,
Firstly, you should know I have never been one for self-help and the like. I also don't presume to know exactly what you are going through, but this sounds very similar to something I had to experience several times before realizing I needed to get some help.
I was stubborn and didn't think I had anything more serious than an attitude problem. I don't know whether this is a re-occurring thing for you but it took me just over ten years before I understood how badly these feelings were effecting me and those around me. I have had many relationships and situations blow up in my face from a lack of understanding about my responses and behaviour (My own lack, and others). I only wish I would have caught myself sooner.
I wanted to simply say that, even though the idea may be unappealing (as it was for me), there are organizations that can try helping you. (CAMH was a great help for me)
Maybe you don`t need such drastic measures. I don`t presume to know.
It just struck me that you were describing text-book anxiety.
Anyhoo, I hope you didn`t `crack` and might be feeling a little differently about things.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-JAFppD_cGY
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