On Being Hateful

For the last couple of weeks I've been impossible. I've had trouble being around anyone, and everything has made me unhappy or unsatisfied.
When I'm somewhere, I want desperately to escape. When I'm alone, I'm lonely and introspective.
I went to an event alone the other night after work, an event full of people schmoozing, with some lectures and musical entertainment scheduled. I stood around for 40 minutes, drank a beer, and then went home. I had absolutely nothing to do to keep myself entertained. There was nowhere to sit, no one to talk to or even make eye contact with, and nothing to look at after I finished endlessly surveying the audience from the stairs. The bartender served 5 other people and ignored me while I stood at the bar. I saw people secretly smoking and I wanted to rat them out to the bouncer. I overheard a boy telling his girl he'd never cheated in his life and I believed him. I saw seemingly underage girls in ugg boots and backpacks pooling their money to buy a drink. I felt tired and angry.
Why did I buy a ticket to this stupid thing? If this was my idea of the kind of cultural event I would enjoy, why was I miserable? Why was what I thought I'd enjoy so boring and unpleasant? What do I really want to do with my time?
Which leads me to the problem. Everything seems to be unpleasant these days.
There's too much stuff on the desk in the living room and my blood starts to boil. Someone asks me for help at work and I instantly go from zero to fifty on the aggro scale. Someone makes a comment about my home or appearance and I want to keep them from ever seeing, or hearing anything to do with me again. I work really hard to be alone so that I avoid having these intense feelings, but they're still here even when everyone else is gone. I get into fights when I'm trying to express my opinion. I'm afraid I might crack, and I've gone from one of the most helpful people around to someone who shuns social contact. All I do is complain. And now I have to do write a paper.
Something has to change. Fucked if I know what.

Movie week

I'm at day 5 of this unplanned week of movies.

I went to the theatre on Saturday night to see Adrift in Tokyo, which turned out to be a cute, but not exceptional movie. It was nostalgic, and conveyed mood well. It was full of walking, talking and eating (three of my favourite things) and the young male character had no love interest, which is a choice I respected.

Day Two - Rented 'In the Realm of the Senses' based on a positive dvd review in NOW Magazine. The review, which I scanned, made it clear that the movie revolved around lust and sex, and was explicit. I did not realize how explicit.
I should have known when one clerk at Queen video gave me the dvd (which I'd called ahead for) and said to the other clerk "This is the person who's renting it." I had no idea a movie could depict what this movie did and get an NC-17 rating (I later learned that NC 17 is not the last rating before X, but replaces the X rating).

Day Three - Went back to Queen video (was hoping to see the same employees so I could give back the dvd and go "bleckhh!", just to prove that I'm not a perv)
and picked up Wong Kar Wai's Happy Together. It was satisfying (although, not very happy-I should have known it was a somewhat ironic title) in that is was very moody, colours were used or not used symbolically, and the sets and plot were a great contrast to the personalities of the characters. I'm amazed at how convincingly gay Tony Leung is, and how passionate and emotional both of the actors were. I feel like this is the first portrayal of a gay relationship I've seen that really felt authentic. And painful.

Day 4
No, not another asian movie. Watched 'For Your Consideration' (I may be the last person in Toronto to see this film). The most interesting part of the film, for me was watching older people play youthful characters, or characters striving to be youthful. I found myself thinking of the actors a lot, wondering whether they felt awkward about being old and playing people fighting their age, being old and playing people desperate to be cool and hip. It wasn't hilarious, but there were a couple of lol moments. And I think I could listen to Harry Shearer all day.

Day 5 . . .

Toying With Designs

I liked the images that I found related to the last post so much, I played around with them and turned one into a pattern. It's been my ambition for awhile to find a picture (preferably from archive.org, but perhaps not) and turn it into a pattern to print on fabric. Then I'd like to make it into a skirt.

My sewing skills are pretty bad. I'm getting better, but it doesn't come naturally to me. Also my sewing machine came from the garbage :)
This is what i have so far. It seemed to need something more, so I added a dot in the middle. Also, making it only two per pattern allows me to print it on standard paper at a higher resolution. I'm working on another cat one now.

Porno Comedy Show

I read about this night on BlogTo, and by the end I was sad to learn that it would be the last one of its kind. It was a blast.
The premise: the internet has killed the porn industry. The video store is closing its porno basement and selling everything off for 5 bucks. Come see a sexy comedy show and perhaps take home a souvenir.
I enjoyed every act.

The whole room was pink-tinted. We ended up near the bj section, just behind the gay pr0n area. The bum stuff was on our right. Strangely, it managed to not be that awkward. But I have to admit, that when I picked up the movie on the top row, far left, I covered the penis on the cover before reading the info. I didn't even realize that I did it.

All the comedy was sex-themed. I am clueless enough that this was not obvious to me. One of the first acts was a girl group, sort of a musical acting comedy troupe. When they walked on stage chanting about 'yoni power' I knew I was going to love them. They need to come up with a long-form of their act and turn it into a 'Best in Show' type movie. They did some great bits about their first sexual experience, complete with chanting in unison and grand, wavy vaginal gestures. Good girls!
I didn't get a picture of all of the performers, but the opener was great as well. She was incredibly crass, and made a great joke about preferring the taste of vegetarians.
Next up was Jimmy Hogg, who I imagined would be a 200lb trucker. Instead he was a musical brit who sang about his platonic love for children. The sentiment I remember liking most was
'We'll play a game and the winner gets ice cream. Unless I win, and then we'll both get ice cream, but I won't win, I'll let you win. But I won't let you know that I let you win'. I yelled something while he was on stage, instinctively tried to contribute to his joke (yes, it's possible to forget that comedians really don't like it when you do that) but he took it in stride.
The most memorable acts of the evening came at the end. First, a woman with her 'dance partner' Gerard - A dummy with her hand under it. She did an incredible job of using her right hand to seduce herself, and ended up getting herself drunk and passing out 'in his arms' (after showing a fair bit of garter-clad thigh).
The grand finale - the adorable and hilarious host did a dance to what he proclaimed to be his 'coming out' song from the nineties - the most glorious of dance tracks, 'I'm gonna get you' by Bizarre Inc. He did this dance in shorts, totally balls-out.
Combined with drinks with Deb, a stellar night.

Is there any better reason to be full of joy

Than the sight of cats jumping through hoops?
This is a shot in the Inle Lake Monastary in Burma-Myanmar, where they train cats to jump through hoops. Let's go?