On Being Hateful

For the last couple of weeks I've been impossible. I've had trouble being around anyone, and everything has made me unhappy or unsatisfied.
When I'm somewhere, I want desperately to escape. When I'm alone, I'm lonely and introspective.
I went to an event alone the other night after work, an event full of people schmoozing, with some lectures and musical entertainment scheduled. I stood around for 40 minutes, drank a beer, and then went home. I had absolutely nothing to do to keep myself entertained. There was nowhere to sit, no one to talk to or even make eye contact with, and nothing to look at after I finished endlessly surveying the audience from the stairs. The bartender served 5 other people and ignored me while I stood at the bar. I saw people secretly smoking and I wanted to rat them out to the bouncer. I overheard a boy telling his girl he'd never cheated in his life and I believed him. I saw seemingly underage girls in ugg boots and backpacks pooling their money to buy a drink. I felt tired and angry.
Why did I buy a ticket to this stupid thing? If this was my idea of the kind of cultural event I would enjoy, why was I miserable? Why was what I thought I'd enjoy so boring and unpleasant? What do I really want to do with my time?
Which leads me to the problem. Everything seems to be unpleasant these days.
There's too much stuff on the desk in the living room and my blood starts to boil. Someone asks me for help at work and I instantly go from zero to fifty on the aggro scale. Someone makes a comment about my home or appearance and I want to keep them from ever seeing, or hearing anything to do with me again. I work really hard to be alone so that I avoid having these intense feelings, but they're still here even when everyone else is gone. I get into fights when I'm trying to express my opinion. I'm afraid I might crack, and I've gone from one of the most helpful people around to someone who shuns social contact. All I do is complain. And now I have to do write a paper.
Something has to change. Fucked if I know what.

Movie week

I'm at day 5 of this unplanned week of movies.

I went to the theatre on Saturday night to see Adrift in Tokyo, which turned out to be a cute, but not exceptional movie. It was nostalgic, and conveyed mood well. It was full of walking, talking and eating (three of my favourite things) and the young male character had no love interest, which is a choice I respected.

Day Two - Rented 'In the Realm of the Senses' based on a positive dvd review in NOW Magazine. The review, which I scanned, made it clear that the movie revolved around lust and sex, and was explicit. I did not realize how explicit.
I should have known when one clerk at Queen video gave me the dvd (which I'd called ahead for) and said to the other clerk "This is the person who's renting it." I had no idea a movie could depict what this movie did and get an NC-17 rating (I later learned that NC 17 is not the last rating before X, but replaces the X rating).

Day Three - Went back to Queen video (was hoping to see the same employees so I could give back the dvd and go "bleckhh!", just to prove that I'm not a perv)
and picked up Wong Kar Wai's Happy Together. It was satisfying (although, not very happy-I should have known it was a somewhat ironic title) in that is was very moody, colours were used or not used symbolically, and the sets and plot were a great contrast to the personalities of the characters. I'm amazed at how convincingly gay Tony Leung is, and how passionate and emotional both of the actors were. I feel like this is the first portrayal of a gay relationship I've seen that really felt authentic. And painful.

Day 4
No, not another asian movie. Watched 'For Your Consideration' (I may be the last person in Toronto to see this film). The most interesting part of the film, for me was watching older people play youthful characters, or characters striving to be youthful. I found myself thinking of the actors a lot, wondering whether they felt awkward about being old and playing people fighting their age, being old and playing people desperate to be cool and hip. It wasn't hilarious, but there were a couple of lol moments. And I think I could listen to Harry Shearer all day.

Day 5 . . .